Are you over-analyzing your
relationship way more than you
should? Find out what’s acceptable,
what crosses the line, and what’s
dangerous right here. By Briallyn
Smith.
It’s always good to be paying
attention to what’s going on in your
relationship and watching for signs
that everything is going well.
After all, a healthy relationship will
have both, you and your partner, on
the same page.
But that being said, there is a very
fine line between being aware and
over-analyzing.
And it is important to know whether
or not you are someone with a
tendency to cross that line.
While attention to detail can be a
wonderful character trait – being able
to remember your significant other’s
birthday and favorite ice cream
allows you to make them feel special
and loved.
On the other hand, over-analyzing
can lead to a lack of trust,
miscommunication, hard feelings, or
even heartbreak.
Are you an over-analyzer? Which one
of these situations do you most
relate to?
Couple #1 Anneliese and Steve
Anneliese has been with her boyfriend
Steve for four months. They see each
other about three days a week, and
often spend the night at each other’s
apartments.
On the days that they don’t spend
together, Steve will often send a good
morning text and the two of them will
text once or twice throughout the day,
especially if something funny
happens at work.
If there is a day when Steve doesn’t
text first, Anneliese will text him good
morning instead, and ask a couple of
open questions later in the day about
work and Steve’s evening plans, just
to check in and make sure that he
isn’t feeling stressed or
overwhelmed.
Couple #2 Stephanie and Marc
Stephanie and Marc have also been
together for four months. They spend
the weekends together, but rely on
texts and phone calls to keep in touch
during the week.
If Marc hasn’t texted Stephanie by
ten in the morning, she starts to
wonder if she has done anything to
upset him over the last couple days,
or if he might be starting to lose
interest in their relationship – after
all, she reasons, four months isn’t
really long enough to be certain you
want to make a relationship work.
On these days, she texts Marc a
carefully worded question about what
his plans are for the rest of the day,
and watches his Facebook and
Twitter to make sure that he is with
the people he says he is. If Marc’s
responses seem short or out of
character, Stephanie quickly forwards
them to two of her best friends so
that she can make sure she isn’t
over-reacting to the situation.
Couple #3 Carrie and Jonathan
Carrie and Jonathan have just passed
the four-month mark in their
relationship. They generally go out
three or four times during the week,
but both have other obligations on
the weekends, and sometimes when
they’re busy, they won’t see each
other at all.
Jonathan will often text Carrie first
thing in the morning, but on other
days, he’ll forget. Carrie knows that
this is probably just because he
forgot, and doesn’t think of it again –
sometimes, she’ll text him later in the
day if she has a question about their
plans for the week, but other times
she won’t hear from him until the
next morning. Carrie trusts Jonathan,
and rarely glances at anything he
does on social media.
Which one are you?
All of the examples above are pretty
obvious – Annelise has a balanced
relationship with her boyfriend,
Stephanie is definitely an over-
analyzer, and Carrie probably isn’t
analyzing her relationship enough.
That being said, there was probably
one character that you related to the
most, and you should listen to what
that is telling you!
Five signs you’re over-analyzing your
relationship
Let’s break it down a little further,
and look at the top five signs that you
are an over-analyzer.
#1 You’re a facebook detective.
Facebook is meant for keeping up
with your friends, not for intensive
research. Don’t seek out his profile or
investigate the people liking his
statuses – that’s taking it a step too
far!
#2 You treat his/her texts like they’re
assigned-reading for a Literature
class. Texts are usually sent while
the person you’re dating is doing
other things. I guarantee that the lack
of punctuation or choice of words
were not done to send you a secret
message – don’t treat each text like
you’ll need to write an essay on it
later! Read it once and respond.
#3 You send cryptic texts and expect
him to crack the code. Just like he
probably isn’t trying to send you
secret messages in texts, he’s also
not expecting to receive them! You
shouldn’t send messages that are
any deeper than face value. If he
doesn’t see the secret message, it’s
not because he doesn’t care, it’s
because he doesn’t know to look for
it! Say what you mean – that’s
enough!
#4 New steps in the relationship are a group discussion. Have you ever
heard the saying “too many cooks
spoiled the broth”? While it’s good to
have a single trusted friend you go to
with serious relationship concerns,
you should not be parading every text
or message you receive around to
everyone that you know. The
relationship is between you and your
partner – no one else!
#5 You act more like his parole
officer than a girlfriend. If he tells you
that he’ll be home *or call, or text* at
a certain time and isn’t able to, you
can’t immediately jump to negative
conclusions. Obviously, if there’s a
pattern to this, it’s worth a
discussion, but individual incidents
should be met with understanding
*everyone has days that don’t go as
planned*, not endless questions and
suspicion!
Why is over-analyzing harmful?
The danger of over-analyzing short-
term relationships
Over-analyzing is most common in
relationships that are still at the
newly-dating stage. After all, it
doesn’t matter what age you are –
when you catch that cute guy’s eye at
a work party, and he asks for your
number, the butterflies in your
stomach can make you feel like
you’re thirteen again!
The whole newly-in-love experience
will be so much more fun for you if
you are able to let go of the details
and just appreciate each new step in
the relationship for what it is.
Now that most flirting is done online
or through text, it is very tempting to
show your friends your new fling’s
social media pages or to let them
scroll through the messages you’ve
exchanged asking them what they
think he might have meant, or for
their advice about what you should
say back.
While this can be incredibly fun, your
relationship is supposed to be
between you and one other person –
your friends shouldn’t be the people
helping your relationship along, and
in fact, they might be hurting your
relationship instead!
The danger of over-analyzing long-
term relationships
While over-analyzing a new
relationship can send it to an early
grave, the dangers of over-analyzing
a long-term relationship are even
worse, because you can destroy a
relationship that you have already
invested a lot of time and emotion
into.
When you are in a long-term
relationship, you need to trust your
partner *and if your gut tells you not
to trust them, then you need to get
out!* If you can’t trust them enough
to believe that they say what they
mean when they send you a text, then
you can very quickly frustrate them
and make them think that they will
never be good enough for you. That
kind of dynamics in a relationship
can force it to end very quickly.
How can you learn to stop over-
analyzing?
Making yourself transition to not
being such an over-analyzer can be a
very difficult switch! Try to have more
open conversations with your partner
about any worries you have in the
relationship, cut down on the number
of times you go to your friends with
advice, and try to let the little things
slide.
Even the most wonderful people on
earth are only human, and they won’t
always say the right thing, but that
doesn’t mean that they love you any
less! Letting your partner know that
over-analyzing is something that you
struggle with, but that you are willing
to work through it will give you some
grace as you adjust, and your partner
may have some excellent ideas about
how to make your relationship work
better too!
After all, this relationship is about the
both of you, and it will always take
cooperation and communication to
keep your relationship healthy.
Analyzing the little details in love
may make you feel better for a
moment. But over-analyzing every
little detail of your relationship will
only hurt you more than you can
imagine, and leave you with a
headache too!
We’re trying hard to create better
relationships in the world.
But we can’t do it without YOU!
Did this feature help you better
yourself or your relationship?
You can change someone else’s life
too!
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